CEREMONY 3:

I was EXHAUSTED, frustrated, feeling like I didn’t know if I could mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, handle another night of the ceremony.

I got inside the maloca for the ceremony and I was just like… “You came back again? WTF you cray.”

…But this was divine feminine night, with a powerful female Shaman Sarah, and we had a full moon!

I journaled this… 

“As we go into the divine feminine night, I am in discomfort. I feel uncertain, foggy, tired, uncomfortable, and hopeful that tonight gives me my breakthrough to heal my heart. I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know how to stop judging and just love myself fully, without condition. The condition is the piece. I love Michael without condition. Why can’t I do that for myself and for all people? Why do I have these rules around beauty, work, love, time, success. Who can I step into? The real me? wIthout all these lies I’ve been fed? What level of emotional freedom will I experience without all of this inside of me, making me sad, sick, and resistant?”

The divine feminine energy was so present that night and the female shamans were all front and center… The room was so full of a love I’ve never felt among a group of people like that.

They called for rapé, aka “shamanic snuff” tobacco that gets blown up your nose to open the third eye.

I went to a beautiful soul to receive the rapé. She sat on a chair close to the floor and I kneeled in front of her on a cushion.

She asked me my intention, looked at me, put her hands on my shoulders, and said, “Your intention for tonight is to be gentle. You’re so tense. Be gentle.”

And she gave me the rapé. It hurt like hell. She started doing reiki. She put her hands on my shoulders, my third eye, back of my head, moving the energy with a feather. It was like a wave of loving energy washing over me. I just started crying. I just felt so much love and protection. I thanked her and I went back to my mattress.

A quick disclaimer:

The purpose of this episode is solely to provide educational information and to share the MY personal opinions and experiences; any and all information and provided has been curated solely for the purpose of education, and for informational purposes only. By listening to this episode, you agree and understand that this content is made available to you as a self-help tool only, and as general information and education that may or may not be right for you. Nothing in this episode is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment that can be provided by your own Medical Provider (including doctor/physician, nurse, physician’s assistant, or any other health professional), Mental Health Provider (including psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, counsellor, or social worker), or member of the clergy. Therefore, do not disregard or delay seeking professional medical, mental health or religious advice because of information you have read on this website or received from us. Do not stop taking any medications without speaking to your own Medical Provider or Mental Health Provider. If you have or suspect that you have a medical or mental health problem, contact your own Medical Provider or Mental Health Provider promptly. This is not to be considered medical advice for any reason, and nothing herein is intended to provide or act as a substitute for physical or mental health treatment. You as the listener understand and agree that this content is meant to support you and add informational value to supplement any personalized services you are receiving from a professional.

If you agree, then let’s continue.

Some of what I share might be new or maybe even conflict with beliefs that you’ve held for some time. So we go through this I invite you to listen with an open mind. This is all for your consideration.

I laid down and I felt like the Ayahuasca was already working on me, even though I hadn’t had my first cup yet. And it was since it was in my body from the first two nights. — They say it stays with you and compounds over the days…

Then they called for the first cup and I just felt like death… I couldn’t move or get out of bed.

I started worrying I would miss getting served. Thoughts were racing, as I laid there, unable to move, — then I was like “no, no, you’ll go up.” The lines would take 20 mins so I was just like – “Jen, chill out in bed, and get up when there are only a few people left.”

I WILLED myself out of bed, stood in line, shaky, thought I was going to pass out, I felt awful… Got the first cup.

As I’m laying there I just started saying to myself over and over for a good part of an hour, “Even though I haven’t always been kind to myself, I fully love and accept myself.” And I began using a technique called EFT tapping where you tap your fingers on pressure points on the head, face, hand, and torso. I was willing to do or try ANYTHING to move this energy out of my body.

Side note: It was so interesting how the 2nd night I worked through the superficial, and I guess through further integration and exhaustion, my ego was losing and I was able to jump right to completely loving myself.

I go up for the second cup. The female Shaman, Sarah says, “How do you feel?” I said, “I feel sick.” She said, “You mean you feel sickness leaving your body.” “Ah, yes yes.”

I laid back down continuing to tap and ask mother Aya to PLEASE remove anything in me that was preventing me from believing that was true. I sat up and moved towards my bucket by the foot of my bed.

I felt a purge coming from within me. I puked. I was just laying with my face in the bucket looking at my purge…

It was a clear liquid with dark stringy shapes that moved. Now mind you, I hadn’t eaten anything for hours and the most recent thing I drank was the Aya, which is a large shot class of dark brown liquid.

I asked the contents of the bucket, “What are you?” Clear as day in my head, I heard, “People.”

I understood this was people’s opinions that I took on.

With my face still in my bucket, I felt another wave, another purge coming… I was motioning and dry heaving but I could feel that this energy was stuck in the depths of my womb and it was pure evil.

One of the male shamans stood over me, he fanned and feathered and chanted and even though my face was in a bucket, I could see and feel the movement he made. He was helping to pull that negative energy out. I could feel it from the base of my spine let go and come rushing up.

I puked a black clump.

The clump turned into the shadow of a demon face.

I asked… “What IS that?”

And it told me the name of my high school boyfriend who was extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive.

I was like… “WHAT THE FUCK?” I was shocked.

Side Note: The shamans told us that if you experience tooth pain or issues in life, and then during the ceremony, you experience a tooth cleaning, it’s because there was pain/trauma that was stored in your teeth as they were growing in.

So, being that this was the first real boyfriend, it makes total sense that it would be stored in the center of all things feminine, as I was growing into a woman at that time.

So – I hear his name and I am SHOOKETH.

Mostly because I’m like, “WTF – mama Aya where did that come from? I’ve healed that already.”

She told me I had healed it in my neurology, meaning I could think about different events and not have a reaction — but she said, even though I had healed it in my mind, I hadn’t released it from my body. *MIND BLOWN*

Then she started showing me past experiences of him being awful to me and I realized in those moments that I thought I was managing it all and really, I was being manipulated and emotionally abused. I saw how abusive and exhausting it really was, and had compassion for him doing all these maladaptive things to feel love.

Then Mother Aya revealed some MASSIVE connections to me around my womb, and I just started sobbing 15 years of stuck body energy for 20 minutes. I legit could not control it. Wailing. Even though it probably sounded so intense to others, it felt so amazing as I let it all go.

Feel it to heal it.

I was able to then reach out to 14-year-old me and hug her, rock her, mother her, feel mother Aya rocking and mothering her. She was confused and hurting.

I finished crying…

I looked in my bucket and the demon had become an owl.

I immediately felt overwhelmed with love, joy, and gratitude, because owls are a sign of Michael, the love of my life.

I was so so so happy to see him. Then I heard Mama Aya tell me, “If you want to have children with him one day, you need to forgive him for how he treated you when you were first dating.”

I was like, “HUH!?!? Whaaaa…”

Side note: We’ve been together since 2007. He was 16, I was 18. We’ve been together almost 13 years. We have been through such an amazing journey of growing up while growing together. We both had some cringy phases. And he is literally the most loving human I’ve ever met. I am legit obsessed with him and want to be around him all the time. Good thing we’re getting married.

She tells me to forgive and in an instant, I was overwhelmed with tears of love and just kept saying, “I forgive you. I love you so much. Of course, I forgive you.”

That released SO fast. — Other side note, I shared that with Michael the next day and it was the most beautiful healing not just for me, but for him as well.

We’ve got to feel it to heal it.

I still felt like there was something else inside me that wasn’t released yet. I brought my bucket with me to the outside bathroom. And while peeing I was like, “OMG I’m going to puke.”

I released mouthfuls of thick, black vomit. It was pulled from the depths. As I looked at this giant pile, I asked it what it was… “Self-hatred”

And it was then that the storm was over.

I sat up. I felt totally lucid, alert.

I was like, “Hello? Is that it?”

And it was.

My heart was healed.

I went back inside. This night there was live music with the most amazing musician and vocalist Peia. Def check her out!

I was laying on the floor where she played, humming along, feeling so unbelievably peaceful. Aya told me that my soul wants me to sing these songs, possibly at a ceremony like this one.

I then went outside on the hammock, observed the moon, the fire, touched the ground. I went inside, I came back out with my thick blanket wrapped around me. I laid on a hammock tucking in all the edges in a very failed attempt to avoid mosquitos.

That night was warmer, more humid, with no wind, so even with many layers of deet bug spray, they found their way to corners and edges of my fingers and toes!

I watched as this team of 6 shamans was helping this one guy on the lawn. They were saying, “The more you resist, the more it will hurt. Surrender!” 

Side Note: Later that night when we sat around after ceremony, that young, 6 foot very muscular guy raised his hand to share – he was like – “Sorry if I scared or disturbed anyone – I was literally trying to outrun my demons, so thank you to you guys for helping me!” – and shared some big breakthroughs. It made a lot more sense why there were so many grown men required for that task.

After watching the magic of that, and looking up at the moon and stars which are SOOO incredibly bright there, I went back inside.

It’s actually pretty crazy looking at a room of people on Aya when you’re fully lucid.

People are so out of it, walking around like zombies. It’s sight unlike anything I’ve ever seen. 

I sat on my mattress and asked, “What’s next?”

She said, “You’ve done WORK tonight. Rest now. We’ll talk more about your vision tomorrow.”

I was laying there enjoying the music and I thought about my childhood dog Angel, who was my little bestie. I felt her soul come in and it was like I could feel her snuggling.

I asked to see my Grandma and immediately felt her warm presence and love wash over me.

Aya said, “She’s been here all along.”

Then I started seeing images of her last months on earth. We were extremely close. She was 96 almost 97 and completely lucid, sharp, up until about 6 months before she passed. Aya was showing me that I watched her physical body die and her soul transition…

I realized then on a deep level, that everything we were experiencing with Aya was allowing our souls to merge and hearts to heal and integration to happen and that THAT is exactly what happens when we die. Once we let go of the baggage we can let go and transition into that place of euphoria and bliss.

And if you’re like, “Uhhh yeah right, Jen!”

The active component in Aya is DMT that is taken from plants.

We also have DMT naturally occurring in our brains… And studies show that when we die large quantities of DMT from our pineal gland  are released.

And Aya has been used for thousands of years, long before there was the technology to confirm any of that. Coincidence? Nope.

When people are on their death bed, they go through this process of merging. And we can do this now, die before we die, in the ceremony, so that we can live.

In thinking about my Grandma, I wished that I could go back to those times with this knowledge and make it easier for her…

But really when I DO reflect back, there were times, one in particular, a few years before she actually passed, where she needed an emergency pacemaker put in and it was touch and go all that night.

My mom and aunt were running around the ER in a panic and I felt completely calm. I looked at my aunt and said, “It’s out of our hands and she’ll decide if she wants to let go, but I have a strong feeling that it’s not her time. The best way we can support her now is by staying calm and being a loving presence.” It’s like those intuitive hits were me sending myself guidance.

That ceremony was coming to a close and I was just feeling SO MUCH gratitude for Aya, the shamans, spirit, musicians, everyone in that room who was sharing in that loving energy.

I wrote in my journal, “I know I am free from hatred, resentment, anger, judgment, and have deeper gratitude, love, appreciation, fir myself, my body, my womb, my feminine, — As one of the Shamans said, “the womb is the portal to the spirit world.” How fucking cool is that? Where was that Line when I learned about periods in second grade??”

DAY 6: Thursday, December 12th, 2019 4th ceremony

This day I still couldn’t believe how amazing I felt.

I was just in awe of the medicine.

We were approaching our 4th ceremony which we were told would be different for a few reasons.

While the other ceremonies started at 5:30 and lasted until 2ish… This would start at 7pm and go all night until 7am.

We’d be drinking a different type of Aya called Yagé. 

At our plant integration class, the shaman for that night walked us through what to expect…

Here’s a recap:

Yagé is a purgative… which means you’re going to need the bathroom. If you shit your pants, notify someone and they’ll take you back to your room to get cleaned off and changed and bring you back to the Maloca.

Side Note: If reading that just made you go, “OH HELL NO.” …pay attention to that. What is that triggering for you?

His advice was to:

– Connect with sensations + hold nausea when you first take the medicine.

– Don’t fight it. It’s training for life.

– If you don’t know your intention, ask for blessings.

– It’s always different — detach.

– Connect with the alter of nature.

– Trust the sacred intelligence.

He told us when a woman is on her moon, or pregnant, she cannot participate because she is too connected too strong and the shamans don’t have the ability to handle that much energy at once.

Your womb – aka the portal to the spirit world, is heightened.

It’s crazy how in many cultures and in the US, periods are seen as dirty and gross and something to hide. Like if you need a tampon from a friend it’s like a covert operation. Running around like the secret service whispering and then approaching your friend’s bag, holding up your own, and slipping it under the table. Like really? WTF.

It was really beautiful to see that these various shamanic cultures have so much respect and regard for a woman’s experience.

Going into this final ceremony I wrote, “I cannot even believe how much I’ve learned in the last 3 days of ceremonies and in breathwork… Tonight we are going to do Yagé and I’m feeling uncertain. This will be different than any other night. I cannot be afraid of pain + discomfort because it is for my highest level of healing. It is happening for me. And it serves my highest intention + highest vision. Tonight and every night, I can choose to expect and anticipate fear or I can choose to anticipate love — and that everything will work out for me exactly as planned.”

Before serving any medicine, the Shaman had us all get in line to share out intentions with him so that he could put those intentions into the medicine when blessing it before serving.

They allowed for anyone to go and receive Rapé. 

I received my first cup…

I remember not experiencing much other than a little body discomfort…

They said you WANT to purge in some way before your second cup.

I threw up a tiny bit of acidic liquid. That seemed like nothing compared to the night before and the warnings of a great purge coming…

I laid down and woke up disoriented.

“How long was I asleep?”

I asked one of the Shamans – “Did they serve the second cup?” They were serving now.

I was given a half cup and gagged on it.

I didn’t feel much of anything.

No consult. No visions. No downloads… consciously anyway.

I went outside, came back in…

Lauren was on the bed next to me and was like, “Jen!! Jen!”

She really wanted to tell me that we have to heal the planet and was out loud channeling which was delightful for me to get to listen in on.

The shamans came over to me and invited me to join a healing circle in the center of the room to receive blessings.

It was the craziest thing.

First Females only group next to my friend Kathrin…

It was 5 shamans going around the inside circle, one at a time, putting lotions on you and spraying you so many herbs and incense smelling things… and chanting and fanning — some Shamans had an additional shaman on the outside of the circle working on your back — moving energy, giving blessings.

After I received I went back to my bed ready for more insights… and I fell asleep AGAIN.

I had a double “nada” journey.

When I opened my eyes, healing circles were still happening, there were many empty beds around me, people were coming to, the sun was beginning to rise.

I was like, “WTF time is it??”

I went outside, walked around… watched more of the healing…

It was maybe 7 or 8am at this point…

Found Kathrin and another guy chatting by the hammocks so I went over and we were sharing, talking about all the awesome, crazy, funny experiences… while watching the sunrise and everyone come out of ceremony.

What was supposed to end at 7am — but we didn’t end up having closing ceremony at like 10:30, 11.

Kathrin was sharing how one guy popped up and was like, “OMG Wow. This is amazing.” And then ran up and back on the lawn yelling “Fuck yeahhhh!”

Another guy was yelling at an easter island stone head, that looks like the emoji. And punched it. When people on the lawn were laughing he turned around and was like, “WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?” Only to tell them later that their laughter helped him heal.

I remember sitting in the Maloca for the closing ceremony and feeling disappointed that I didn’t have another crazy epic experience like the previous nights…

“What if I did it wrong?

What if it didn’t work?

What if I can’t maintain?

What if I did all that work and it didn’t work?”

…And then a little voice was like, “How do you know that? How do you know that the greatest healing was happening while you slept? Haven’t I shown you enough for you to trust?”

That was my lesson that night.

Especially because I asked to see my vision…

“Just because you can’t SEE it or remember it, doesn’t mean it’s not manifesting.”